Total Drama Pahkitew Island Diary Entries
by MentallyUnadvanced
Summary: The contestants of Total Drama Pahkitew Island must keep a diary full of their true felling's off camera. The characters mostly act nothing like themselves only to make them feel a bit more unique-ish. (Or just stupid) I honestly did not hate any of the characters shown here.
1. Amy's Diary

Um, So This is My Team

Dear Diary,

So all of the sudden our contracts states we have to write some stupid diary of our life on some stupid ass island. We can't even show this on camera so what's the use? If I have to then I guess I will.

So on our shitty ride to the dead lands, pink Snow White wanted to make show tunes, then some weird poofy haired jukebox wanted to freakin' sing too. I asked my slave to switch spots with me only to realize that I must've brought another slave with me. Because some creepy tall black chick was staring down at me. Probably trying to look for my purse and a whip. She wanted to know if we were going to have problems, but I have 99 already and SHE isn't one. So then Mr. Ass Chin blew up or flight and plunged us into the sky and gave us ugly ass parachutes. I jumped off hoping that my alpha slave would just die in there but turns out she got a fucking parachute too. Great. Then Ass Chin comes back saying we have to build our own home. Yeah, let the dark girl finish the work us WHITE people will enjoy our stay while she gets the tree. Don't even tell me she's australian, I know already, but I'd like to think of her as my beta slave. Hopefully our colonial tree house will function as a good home for the laborers.

I Love You, Grease Pig

Dear Diary,

Is there a rule stating that your slave can't talk back to you? Freakin' Alpha Slave is trying to peg the blame at me. Fucking disgrace. I hope that her and blackie get along well, because I've got a hose and a fire hydrant and they got nothing. Let's hope that Alpha Slave redeems herself before Beta Slave decides to take her spot, because I ain't letting some black bitch touch anything I own

Twinning Isn't Everything

Dear Diary,

Yeah make me write a wrap-up on the episode I was booted off on, thanks McClean. So I make Alpha Slave go out and pick berries for the rest of the crew when she bashes her scrawny ass onto my ego. Like what the hell? If I hadn't told her about that then we'd all be eating shit black berries form that black bitch. I was honestly distraught and saddened. Mostly because the berries I was eating was from that blackie, but I was still sad. I scolded Alpha Slave that she'd move down one peg if she didn't fucking make-up for it and the blackie comes in saying all this great shit about Alpha Slave. When the hell did anyone give two shits about Alpha Slave? It's probably some weird slave shit that I don't wanna know about. So Alpha Slave lost us the game when SHE popped the balloon. Not me. I got everyone in to vote her out. Also remind me to never let Alpha Slave give me food because she fucking shoved an apple down my throat and made me get eliminated as a stand-in "Samey" so what the fuck is a "Samey"? So I was blasted off a cannon and burnt all of Alpha Slaves belongings at home. Although I still wasn't satisfied, I wanted Alpha Slave home so I can torture her until she begged me. She is coming home at some point.

A Blast from the Past

Dear Diary,

So I came back to the island disguised as McCleans mom on karaoke night, when freakin' Daryl Dixon starts dressing himself up as an even more homeless bum. I went around all day looking for Alpha Slave only to figure out that she went out to water to get wet with everyone. I attack her as she fights back. She bombed it for her team and I knew she was gonna go bye-bye. What I DIDN'T know was that I had to go back too. Really? Damn you McClean, Ass Chin, WHATEVER. Who needs money when you've got a slave to do things for you, am I right?


	2. Beardo's Diary

So Uh, This is My Team?

Dear Diary,

The Island is full of racist fucks. I tried to drop some sick beats to make my team jam out. I mean, sure I ended making weird sound when I got nervous but really? Vote off the fuckin' black dude first. I mean that surely makes you look great. I hope everyone on the island dies. Also, why the hell does Ella get to freakin' sing every ten seconds? I can't even make one sound without you bitches gettin' on my grill. It's because I'm black isn't it?


	3. Dave's Diary

Uh So, This is My Team?

Dear Diary,

I don't see the point of making a diary of our life in this island. I mean if you wanted to hear about my sexual dreams and imaginations of the hot bitch, Sky, then here it is I guess. So I was sitting next to Startswir the Bearded when our ride rode downwards in our Gimp Blimp. So as we fell. That Chris guy told us to grab parachutes and jump out, or just commit suicide. With my luck, I ended up getting a fake parachute. I landed in the water a few feet from the shore, so I was fine, because everything else makes sense here. Chris divided us into two teams, The Drunk Bears and the Levitating Fish. Our team was so the boss. Then we had to make a house out of Glitter and Soup, .NOW. I hate everyone and I hope I could just bone Sky and leave. Also the afro jukebox is gone. At least the only singing is from Snow. Don't get me wrong I still hate everyone.

I Love You Grease Pig

Dear Diary,

I don't wanna be obese so grease and pigs just bring out bad news. Snow wouldn't stop molesting the pig, so I had to wait even longer for a touch lust pig. Once it finally got over here, some dude from Grojband made his pig throw shit at me. Sure it was nasty. But if I just imagine that the pig is Sky and that the grease is… You get the point. I sure Skenpai notices me.

Twinning Isn't Everything

Dear Diary,

So I sorta fucked up things with Sky. Doesn't mean I'm gonna stop trying. She got some needles to the back and then started bitching to me. She seemed pretty pissed so I started to pull my head in the game. I launched shit into Grojband and Female Dexter and lost my balloons. Then those bisexual twins showed up and launched powder at me. I couldn't get high off of itching powder, unless I try anyway. We didn't end up losing thankfully so I get more shots to fuck with Sky. Aww yeah!

I Love You, I Love You Knots

Dear Diary,

Zombies and Aussies don't mix. This place may be a hell hole, but it's a hell hole with a hole that'd I'd like to slide in. So todays mini game wheel landed on some boring truth or dare game. I won all the coins of course. I tried to smack face with Sky when she tried to pepper spray me with her mouth. Um… Okay? Also Shaun shat on me with his nose so yeah. That happened. Also I learned that Sky burps when she's nervous, I wonder what she does when she's excited. What she does with the load is even more wondering.

A Blast From the Past

Dear Diary,

Well I went ahead and said it. Yeah, I told Sky that gymnastics were shit and that she was an idiot for thinking that it would be great for her to take them, I also said I liked her and we should have sex. So she queefed through her mouth and then admitted she wanted my D, piece of cake. During our challenge my babe pointed out that Paranoid Bum went missing. I couldn't care less. Anyway, I wanted to prove my manly manliness by proving that I could knock the shit out of whoever I had to go against. I had to swing my pole against the pretty boy. I didn't want Sky to think I was gay, so I didn't swing at the twink. Sure, it makes no sense whatsoever but try saying you hit a guy with a dueling stick. Afterwards Boo Boo got her boo boos by a bear, Snow got electrocuted, and Sky was outsmarted by a ginger. While I pulled out Snow from the water I helped her put on her shoe, because I guess she was too retarded from all the electricity today and yesterday. She was pretty turned on when I did that, guess she has podophilia. If she does want to have sex, I hope Sky doesn't mind a threesome. So I was up against the Crocodile Hunter, she was basically paralyzed by my sharp looks so I beat the shit out of her and scored a point for my team. I wanted to wreck face again but I guess Snow wanted the D of the Dave because she was touching my body. She looked so horny. Sky didn't seem TOO happy so I guess there goes the whole threesome idea. Anyway, Shaun finally decided to show his poor ass back here. He was covered in like human feces or something. He started touching my body too. I guess no one can control their feelings on how attractive I am. So I said that Jasmine turned herself into a dude and that she grew male genetals. Turns out Shaun bought it and believed that she was no longer worth it. Figured out the truth the hard way.

Mo' Monkeys Mo' Problems

Dear Diary,

I set up some cruddy picnic for the two of us. I picked out a bunch of flowers I'm allergic because I need to act more like a man in front of Sky to prove I'm the top. Anyway the islands local bum came by saying shit about our relationship and then volunteered to grab my girl for me. He better know that this is a one time thing. Anyway, Ella came by to lick me when I told her that I set up this stupid picnic for Sky. Well, she got all depressed and walked out. I honestly couldn't care less, I've got Sky to screw with, or on. So Chris called us to the meeting area and tells us that we need a coin to get into a vending machine. Fucking genius. Welp, the twist was that a monkey has our coin so we've got to go find some stupid twat and mug it for its money. Once we finally got over there I showed the team I've got a yellow dildo cleverly disguised as a banana, not like there was a difference. I gave it to Sugar for safe keeping and BOY was that a mistake. She said that she ate the dildo and she also used it. Remind me to never give ANYTHING to Sugar again. She tried to get wet with the monkey by grabbing it and failed horribly. I guess even the monkey's don't like Sugar. So after awhile, Sky wanted to rape the monkey and told me to hold it down. I wasn't so on board with the whole fuck-a-monkey idea so I was quite hesitant. Well turns out bears don't give no shits about rape victim monkeys. Sky was bitching at the bear telling him to spit it out. The bear didn't take it too kindly. So Sky gets the idea to give the bear as a gift to Chris so the bear will brutally murder him. They needed a guinea pig for this said plan and I was chosen to be bear food. The bear started molesting me and licking me. He was so into it. Like I said even bears can't stand their overwhelming desire to have sexual intercourse with me. Oh and now Ella's gone because Sugar snitched the fact that… Well nevermind.

This is the Pits

Dear Diary,

I found all these berries that Shaun was holding with him, I took them when he wasn't looking and handed them to my biatch. While we were eating Sky got berry shit on her face so I was about to lick the mess the berries made when that fat whore came and bitch slapped Sky. Who the fuck does she think she is? Only I can domestically abuse Sky. As Sugar began to eat the berries, Chris was screeching at the top of his lungs through the speakers. Chris wanted us to get in balls and roll us around the place. This was probably his most tolerably acts. Well we rolled straight into a hole in the ground. Sky was on top of me which sort of ticked me off. The worst part though was that Sugar felt the need to dump a load onto my face. .Fuck. She is the most despicable moron alive. So while we were in there that ginger chick started saying that the cave was "unstable" or something. So the Aussie got the idea that beating up the cave walls with her fists were probably the best idea. Success. The rocks started to tumble and then Fatty screams "IT'S A MOTHER TRUCKIN' CARVE ERN", yeah I don't get it either. So then we were in a cave and I tried to get Sky to suck face with me when that fat bitch belched in my face. So then a herd of bats came by and totally made-out with me. I'm so irresistible. Then we were in a cave full of raving neon slugs when Fatty decided to slide one down her throat to give her the power of the flashlight. So yeah, that happened. The next place we stopped at was the "Gem Cave". Kongregate doesn't seem too happy with your name choice Chris. I assume when Sugar wanted to eat one of the gems, the bear guarding the cave was super ticked and chased us around the place. Real fun. Then fat bitch shoved us in a pool of liquid feces and then one thing lead to another and that was the game. Also apparently Grojband and Gingie were doing it somewhere or something because Chris decided to trade my bitch for the other fat contestant freakin' great. He better get voted off because I can't stand ANYONE here anymore.

Three Zones and a Baby

Dear Diary,

Okay so that Max guy and Honey Boo Boo are starting to get along. Anyone else see them as a thing? Well, Max must still believe in the ship between him and Gingie because he's not going anywhere. After most of this nonsense, Shaun came from nowhere and asked if I wanted to share his wood. Um… Okay? Chris then tells us to come to the clearing in the forest and wants us to go through three zones of utter silence. So then freakin' pretty boy told Chris that his lame ideas were lame so Chris made the game even challenging. Great. So then got his ugly-ass interns to drop babies from a hot-air balloon. You'd think Chris would probably be sentenced to life in prison or something. That's probably why he's out hiding in this island. So now we've got babies that we have to lug throughout all the course. First we had to go to the field of dead lions and snakes. I was told that the snakes lost a majority of their venom so I tried to get one to bite my anus when Sky came by and yanked it off. Sure I was pretty ticked off that she ruined my private time, but that meant she sooo wanted the D. After bit I kinda got carried away with the whole snake and anus thing and Shaun had to come back for me. Sure I'm glad he came back to get me but I didn't want some homeless bum touching me. Once we finally made it to the end of Zone one, Sugar left her freakin' baby on a snake on a lion. This is why teen pregnancy is also a horrible thing, you never know when a mother could drop her baby on a venomous snake that's sleeping on a lion. So while we were on zone two, Sky and friends landed on a bush where the start nearly was. Sky was about to step on a horn, so I informed her that if she stepped on that horn she wouldn't get any. She was a bit hesitant but she later grabbed the horn and freakin' threw it at me. What, is that supposed to be some message saying she's horny or does she just hate me? So then that Chef guy blasted sauce sludge at me and it was game-over. Shaun tried to get me out of this mess because he wanted to win or whatever. I honestly was trying to remember a quote from Lilo and Stitch but I couldn't quite remember it. Anyway, Shaun finally got me out of the sludge and carried me to the Ice Kingdom. So Shaun said that Sky wanted a more tough and buff man that overpowers his girl. Well, I couldn't really think properly at the time so maybe it was really just him saying to get the fuck up. Either way the snakes poison must've gotten through my ass into my body because I couldn't freakin' move. So Shaun and Sugar had to carry me through the challenge as Max tried to smuggle a baby into an avalanche zone. Everyone's an idiot except me. Pretty boy managed to trigger an avalanche and the rest of MY team used me as a sleigh. I AM THE MAN. Sky totally wants me now, no way she can resist me.

Hurl & Go Seek

Dear Diary,

So apparently I still have to write on the day I've been voted out on. I hate Chris and now I hate everything. Chris woke us up in the middle of the night and merged the teams. Whoop dee freakin' doo. He also gave us some gross ass liquid animal poop to drink to gain immunity. Of course freak show Sugar came in first but I got second and behind ME was Sky. Freakin' loser. I was so ready to rub in the fact that I'm a man and she's a freakin' wussy. I don't care how much SHE wanted the D. She stained my clothes red and I had to wait the longest amount of time just to wash it back to normal color. Get this, she started bitching off on me, saying I had no chance in dating her or beating her. If she didn't want to be my girlfriend, didn't mean we weren't just friends with benefits. So I started to get all horny but I guess I had erectile dysfunction or something because I just couldn't get hard. I was kinda sad really. Then Chris tried saying that I liked Sky and used that as the reason I was sad. Believe me, her personality was that of a dish towel, I was only in on her for the looks and the body. So we all had to run off before Sugar touched us. When day comes those who weren't tagged were safe. I actual wanted to tell Sky "Fuck you, I'm going for Ella", but she won't let me freakin' say it. She started saying she didn't want more asses and walked off. I tried to throw my shoe at her but completely missed. I climbed up a tree to see if I could find out where Sky ran off to when I saw Sugar, then I saw Sugar get hit by my shoe. Quite satisfying really. Then when I asked for it back, she launched it at my face and poked off my eyeball. Freakin' bitch. So I can't remember what even happened through all of this because I guess the feces drink had some alcohol in it and I got all drunk. What I do remember was buttons with my face on them and a cannon. I was prepared to say "Fuck you" to Sky but the bitch didn't even show up. Goes to show not everyone will come to hear someone say those two magical words.

Lies, Cries and One Big Prize

Dear Diary,

So Sky has a boyfriend and I have no hair. I hate life.


	4. Ella's Diary

So Uh, This is My Team?

Dear Diary,

I'm quite glad that we get to write a diary on our life on The Devil's Private Lands. The poor news on this is that the diary we write in must be kept a secret. The plane ride to Satan's Island was quite fun. I got in a few songs and was quite ready to plummet to my death. Thankfully the island that Mr. McLean supplied supplied us with had a lot of Hell Birds. They gently floated me down to the lethal sand of the island. Mr. McLean had split us into two groups. The team spread was awful. I was stuck with these people for the rest of the game, tragic I know. So as we had the task of making a resting home from what we could get from the junkyard. Some dude that wanted the dead gone got some healthy soup as I grabbed a handy dose of pink cocaine, cleverly disguised as glitter. The magical fairy man had created a tower made from earths weapon of death and informed that all it needed was glitter. As I was about to sprinkle the medicine of joy on our new home, the pageant mom had rudely shoved me and dumped the cocaine herself. I wanted her to burn in hells flames as I ate her alive, but patience was the key here. Mr. McLean summoned a group of moose to destroy or ritual home. For losing the challenge we blamed the guy who did absolutely nothing and shot him off a cannon. So I guess this is goodbye to the boombox. Let's hope we can succeed in winning the next one.

I Love You Grease Pig

Dear Diary,

Sadly, our team has failed yet again. Mr. McLean made us take a boar through the world of fattening grease. This Sugar girl failed yet again to fit my criteria. She had to go. I sang my song of evil determination to the boar and slowly made my way over to our scrawny weakling, Dave. He seemed a bit mad but I really don't mind a bit of anger from people. Thankfully, the undead corpse fearer made us a home in the dark descending caves of Pahkitew. We will no longer rest ourselves on the forbidden soils of this island. Our team has failed once more and we have voted off our magical fairy from the team. With our luck, our team would be dead last. I do hope we can once again retrieve our former glory.

News flash, Mr. McLean has told me that he censored out my singing and changed it with some happy cheery song. I am ashamed that Mr. McLean would do such a thing. The world deserves to hear my deadly melody and became entranced in the world down under.

Twinning Isn't Everything

Dear Diary,

It has become apparent that Sugar doesn't like me. As I tried to seduce Shauns soul through my melody, she shoved a pear into the entrance of the digestive system. She must be catching on that I'm the true Succubus on the island. Sky had brought us a bucket amount of delightful liquid. My choices aren't limited so I began to sing for her too. Though Shaun thought that it would be better to sing to the other team. The more the dreadful. When I finally made my way over, I had asked kindly which one of them would enjoy death first when Mr. McLean interrupted me. He said that we had a challenge where we get to pelt balloons containing the most dangerous and foul things possible, what could be better? As the challenge went on I hypnotized some squirrels and a deer befojust re I had, once again, laid eyes on that fouled Sugar.I had told her that my balloon contain mercury and I wouldn't hesitate to launch it at her face. She just simply pushed me into a bush that was plagued with good spirits. How she managed to pull it off is beyond me. Eventually Sugar and I got covered in some goopy material, Sugar also got to taste some shit so I really don't mind. Anyway the other team lost and that's all I care about.

I Love You, I Love You Knots

Dear Diary,

I thought of a brilliant plan to eliminate Sugar today. When Mr. McLean called us over, I placed a Rattlesnake I found on the island underneath the part of the log I saved for Sugar. She denied my request and shoved me aside once more. Let's hope that one day I can release my wrath on Sugar to take her soul off the island. So while Mr. McLean was explaining the rules, Mr. Hatchet comes around and puts metal collars on us. Mr. Mclean then shocked us through a remote and then made not Samey go for her turn. Afterwards, the earth farmer has to go and his question was who he thought the most irresistible girl was. He selected Sugar as his choice and was shocked as a penalty. Honestly, who in their right mind would find Sugar as even hardly attractive. Sugar decided to whine about the fact that she was in fact the most "beautiful" girl on the island and caused us to become electrocuted. I comforted Sugar by telling her that she was the most despicable and nastiest girl on the island and she started to get mad at me. It was going quite well indeed. So Dave had to capture Sky's heart through his mouth when Sky released air through her mouth. Then we got shocked once more. Afterwards, Shaun had to "pick his nose" and wipe it off on Dave. Now wondering here. This is a scare for Shaun that disgusts Dave. Mr. McLean's logic is off. Dave scurried off and Shaun caught up. He then blasted out snot through his nose that splattered on us and Dave. Mr. McLean then shocked us because Shaun failed to wipe correctly. It was now my turn and I had to tell the truth. The question was if I had to change anything about me what would it be. I honest to Satan wanted to change myself into a basilisk and stare down at Sugar but apparently that was a lie to Mr. McLean. Then Sugar starts screaming at me saying that I was a pageant queen or something like that. Shaun and Dave had to hold her back. The game was eventually a tie and I was chosen to participate in the tiebreaker. I was against the man known as Rodney. Our challenge was to open a bag and click the button to shock the other team. I finished untying mine, but I wanted to see the other team beg for mercy. Before any of them begged, the uncooked meal began to electrocute the other team for me. Thanks to Mr. Hatchet we were able to feast on this clucked demon.

A Blast From the Past

Dear Diary,

When I awoke today I felt the strong urge to read my death threat to Sugar aloud so everyone can hear how much I despise her. She made her a poem and then told me to back off. Sky told me some random advice about people or something and that made me totally hatch an idea. I would make Sugar feel like I'm a moron so I could attack her by surprise. Again, patience is the key. Let's just hope I don't get all impatient. So throughout this whole challenge I tried flattering and kissing-up to Sugar but the imbecile was just as stubborn as before. During the challenge I was electrocuted and got Mr. McLean attacked by a bear. This challenge was quite fun. What wasn't fun was when I tried to make Dave hand over his soul to me. He honestly didn't get the message and pretty much shooed me away. Then one of the two twins showed up and beat up Samey, or Amy I really don't know. We managed to win the challenge and that was that.

Mo' Monkeys Mo' Problems

Dear Diary,

Don't even ask me what happened today. I started off drinking some hell booze and when I awoke, I was back home with my voodoo dolls. When I finally watched the episode, I was pretty pissed off with what was going on. So I was flirting with Dave in his poorly set up dinner ritual. I mean, who puts a tablecloth on the floor and puts their filthy shoes on it? So then I got all depressed, sang my death melodies, and got shot out of the cannon. I wasn't in control with my body due to the alcoholic beverage I consumed. I'll just be in my room, stabbing at my Sugar doll.


	5. Jasmine's Diary

So Uh, This is My Team?

Dear Diary,

So I guess we're writing a diary now or something. I mean, I can't blame Chris for wanting me to write a diary about myself, he could probably already see my badassery and charisma. Starting from when we first got here, some white trash starting hating on me. Well my followers will hunt her down if she tries to pick a bone with THE MOST POWERFUL AND BEST CONTESTANT EVER. Then Chris blows up the blimp and forces us to take a parachute and jump. Probably wanted to see my epic powers put to work. As I made my descent, I caught Tingle and Zombie Fanatic. Once on the ground, Chris separated us into two, those who oppose Jasmine and the winning team. Our challenge was to build a home out of whatever we could find in the junk pile. I was ready to tell everyone to do the work because I'm a big shot when some country bumpkin started to cut me off. Like, really? Does he even know who I am? Once we finally got to work I told all my worshippers to do all the work while I hit my hammer against the roof multiple times. We won the challenge and everyone else was awarded to talk to me and make eye contact. When you're a famous celebrity you can get all the things in the world.

I Love You Grease Pig

Dear Diary,

This morning I jumped extremely loudly from my tree to let everyone be alarmed that the star was coming down. Then that racist Amy girl came by, forcing her sister to get food. So as we were getting food I told Amy's sister/slave, Samey, that we should start some kind of army against all my haters. She was a bit hesitant to join but still seemed to want to have in on the idea. I had my back turned for awhile and realized that Samey was trying to eat some fruit without my permission. I hope she knows that because I'm the Ultimate Lifeform, I should be able to chow down before anyone else. I'm kinda glad that she found out I should've taken the first so she could have my leftovers. I was about to scold her when that Undead Freak started saying that the apple was poisonous or something. He must be a loyal and faithful follower. The guy knows how to find food and he follows my Midnight Wood Sleeping Guide. The name is probably why it never caught on. So Chris wanted us to do some dopey obstacle course with a bunch of grease and some uncooked pork. That Farmer Boy wanted to pair up with me on the obstacle course. If he thinks he has a chance at going at me, he'd better realize that I am not desperate and he better get fixed. So racist Amy decides to pair up with MY only crew member. Whatever, as leader of the team, I forced them to take their spots. I put Rodney on the first obstacle because I was hoping that something hilarious would happen and boy did that pay off. I really couldn't care less on where Topher was but I placed Amy and Samey at the tunnel thingy, hoping that Amy would get lost inside and suffocate. Samey would probably die in the process but atleast she took one for the team. I placed Scarlett and Max at the end to get a better view of them failing but they really didn't amount to much, unless you count Max falling into a pit of grease. I was finally up and Nerdo didn't stand a chance. I won for the team. I hope they know that it was all me. They didn't do a single thing to help.

Twinning Isn't Everything

Dear Diary,

So I'm glad that "Samey" is finally gone. The day started when Lieutenant Samey and I were out looking for food when I reminded her that she HAS to work for me with no exceptions. She didn't seem too bummed out with the idea so I know she's loyal. She friend requested me and I accepted. I told her to bitch at her sister and strangle her to death, I'm really not sure if she was too fond of the idea. That Shaun dude came over and totally fell for me. I have to admit, I almost fell for him, but I remembered that I only go for famous people and unless Shaun is famous on Vine or Youtube, I'm never going for him. He can't expect BEAUTIFUL people like me to date some poor sap on the sides of the street. Zombie Boy left and Samey and I went back to the tree-fort that I made, SINGLEHANDEDLY. So Samey started to do what I told her and started yelling at Amy. It was all my idea. So racist Amy started crying and went to Scarlett for help. I hope Scarlett planted a bomb in her hair or something. We had some challenge with balloons and we lost because Amy popped our balloon and got all of us plastered in some pink liquid. Please tell me Patrick Star isn't on the island. So Samey disguised as Amy and got her booted off the island. I guess I have to give a shout-out to Samey now. Nah, no one can feast off on my glory.

I Love You, I Love You Knots

Dear Diary,

I almost forgot that Samey was working undercover as Amy, so I was quite surprised when some racist fuck wanted to work with an me. I let Samey join my hunt for food when I saw that Shaun dude with that pussy, Dave, with him. Whatever, if he doesn't support me, I'll just ruin his reputation. Anywho, Samey and I went back to the others and let them eat from my leftovers. People started to say how Amy's berry picking skills were better than Samey's. No one bothered to say :"Wow Jasmine, this food you brought is amazing!" I really don't mind Samey having fans, as long as she has LESS than I do. Who doesn't like me? Chris called us over to the meeting area and told us we'd be playing "Truth or I Torture You" and use a retard chicken as a lie detector. Samey was up first and she had to tell us who she hated most. I wanted to help, really, so I just told "Amy" that her sister was a loser and that it wasn't her fault that she was a moron. Everyone bought it, you can always think of a brilliant plan when you're me. I really couldn't bother watching anyone elses turn so I really don't know what happened. What I DO remember was that some big-ass lizard tried to murder me. I now know who my biggest hater is. Farmer Boy ended up leaving, so everything ended up well for everyone.

A Blast From the Past

Dear Diary,

I hate Shaun, I seriously can't tell if he is a follower or a hater. During our challenge, Shaun went missing and I couldn't have that. I needed every person that I could collect for my Fuck You Amy Army, I'm still not settled on the name. Of course, my concentration was off for the most part and that freakin' scrawny wussy on the other team beat the shit out of me with a dueling stick. What the hell? Who does he think HE is? Eventually they found Shaun ,in Chris' trash I assume. It was me against him so I was ready to swing, but I guess without being flattered for awhile knocked me off my game, literally. So I have no clue what's going on, but that whole mess is urging me to make an Anti-Shaun Force. Also Samey's gone or whatever. I really don't care anymore.

Mo' Monkeys, Mo' Problems

Dear Diary,

I hate monkeys, think they can just piss me off and get away with it. After I win the money, I'm going to make a video telling everyone that monkeys are evil and rude. I'm sure theirs legal problems with that but I really don't mind now. So that Max dude ruined my hair and the challenge for building some unstable fish net made for people. We did end up getting out but we still lost. We all agreed on voting off Max, when Chris decides to kick off the other teams Pink Fairy off. I don't see why Chris didn't just kick off both of them, but whatever. I just really need to set up my army.

This is the Pits

Dear Diary,

I may be claustrophobic but that's not stopping me from winning. I ended up getting stuck in a cave with that Topher dude, and let me just say, I never knew anyone that wanted to kill someone more than I did. Sure Topher's creepy but I he'd better be careful, because one wrong step will get him hated by my followers. I used his face as a shovel to get out and that was that. Also it appears that fat whore on the other team was in a commercial. I hope she leaves because I should be the only person with fame here.

Three Zones and A Baby

Dear Diary,

No need to worry about Topher anymore because he's gone. I guess Chris finally figured out it was him sending the death-threats and he wanted to give him the boot, or maybe it was because we voted him off, who knows? During the first zone of the challenge, Shaun was trying to hit on me, without the use of a dueling stick. That nasty bum really thinks he can just break up with me and come back for more? Moron. During the second zone, Topher was like trying to perform some ritual dance or something and then farted. So Chef shot radioactive goop at Topher to stop him dead in his tracks. Sadly we had to get him out to win so Scarlett wanted a piggy-back ride and wanted to run into a toxic eating bear. The bear was running off of smell so it didn't notice us. You'd think he'd notice us sooner because Scarlett weighs a lot more than she looks and probably ate half of that spaghetti sludge. Scarlett, Sky, and I were just going to leave Topher but he wasn't dead yet. The ground thought that Scarlett was over the weight limit and flinged us back to the beginning. Thanks Scarlett. Sky was getting all lovey-dovey over dave so I told her to pelt him with a rock. She instead grabbed a horn and alarmed Chef that there was an idiot standing over here. Okay then. When we finally made it to the third zone, Topher started screaming like a banshee and caused an avalanche. So Topher's gone and I'm still here. I'm okay with this.

Hurl & Go Seek

Dear Diary,

Today the teams are merged, and I threw, it felt awful. Also Shaun saved me from these tech-crazy teens or whatever, which won me the challenge. During the elimination I was going to bite his face, bite decided that he was okay. That Dave really wanted to get eliminated and BOY was this a hoot. I guess he got scared about my ultimate and powerful skills and wanted to leave. Fucking baby.

Scarlett Fever

Dear Diary,

The island is fake by the way. Chris told us. So Scarlett must've eaten too much food because she went all psycho, healthy eating and dieting always works better but whatevs. Chris made us go try to find the security room to get the island fixed but Scarlett had already made her way there and made us go into a room full of Chris' rejected brothers. Shaun then beat the crap out of all of them and we were home free. If Topher was here he'd probably be having a blast. What I didn't get is that Scarlett has so much knowledge, almost blew up an island, and managed to keep hidden her total wacky side got tricked by a mechanical robot Chris. These peoples logic is wack. Chris ended up eliminating both her and Max so everything was cool.

Sky Fall

Dear Diary,

I hate everything. Fuck you Chris, fuck you Sugar, FUCK EVERYONE. I am boycotting anything that has to do with this stupid show, and trees, FUCK THE TREES. I am going to find out where Sugar lives and burn down her home and her family. No one needs to be from the Sugar family line anymore. I mean, I am amazing, beautiful, talented, extremely amazing, and famous. WHY THE FREAKING' HELL COULDN'T I WIN? If Shaun wins I at least hope he'd split the money.

Lies, Cries, and One Big Prize

Dear Diary,

My feeling's for Shaun are really all over the place. I mean, first he's so on board on sharing the money, then Chris shows me that he doesn't support my whole Fuck You Amy Army idea. How can I fund for any equipment if he won't share, am I right, of course I am. So the finalist are Sky and Shaun, and Dave gets to be Sky's helper. Sky is pretty much just holding an anchor with her. So Chris then lets us control the functions of the island to our liking. First I created a mountain that was identical to my face, then I started to try to stop Shaun from winning. I eventually went over to save him, but I really can't tell who won the money. I really don't care now, I still got fame.


	6. Leonard's Diary

So, Uh This is My Team?

Dear Diary,

I remembered always thinking that normal people never lasted long in anything. So I decided to make myself a serious wizard of some kind. It was a brilliant idea. I made a stupid annoying audition tape and then became a true wizard by the time I made it to the island. I Dave sure did like me. We were both scrawny and annoying! It was so working, if I keep it up, maybe I could make it to the end. Right?

I Love You Grease Pig

Dear Diary,

I'm going home. Apparently being an annoying wizard with a hard to understand voice and the most useless skills doesn't appeal to people. Oh well I guess. I can always just go back to being an average joe.


	7. Max's Diary

So, Uh This is My Team?

Dear Diary,

Chris is making us right a diary now, this is what prissy little girls should be doing. NOT MEN. When we were on the island Chris split us into two teams. I thought it would be more like boys vs. girls or something but, nope. The teams have boys AND girls. They'll be like anchor weights. Our first challenge was to build a house but Ms. Bossypants took charge and we had to obey her. I think a MAN should've been the leader, but no one else had any objections. With this kind of teamwork, we're bound for failure, I at least hope when we lose, it's a girl that's leaving.

I Love You Grease Pig

Dear Diary,

I hate pigs. I hate grease. And guess what today's challenge was? That red-headed imbecile started checking me out and admiring my creations. I'd love the praise if it wasn't from a nasty WOMAN. Her name is Scarlett, but I really couldn't care less. So our group's unofficial leader started putting us in places and put me on the end. When it WAS my turn, I put my adorable hat onto the pig-thing when he started to throw his feces at me. Rotten luck there. He'd better have been a guy. I passed it onto Jasmine and we won the challenge. Where would this team be without its men?

Twinning Isn't Everything

Dear Diary,

Today started off a bit more weirdly than usual. The two twins started bickering and fighting with each other. Just goes to show that men relations last longer than that of a female. Our next challenge started and we had to annihilate one another through balloons. I was going to hide underneath a rock during the game, when Scarlett came in trying to talk to me. Foolish women, she should just hide in, I dunno a buffet or wherever women are naturally. She advised me to pop the opponents balloons when I had a clear shot, and I have to admit, that was an amazing idea that I just came up with. So I flawlessly perform my plan and got that girl from the other team out. I have the mind of a genius. I started walking away from Scarlett but she just kept following me. I was going to tell her to SCREW OFF but then I was pelted by like powder or something, I dunno.

So once the game was over, the whole team decided to hide our shame in a cave when Amy says that her sister was the cause of this mess. Women. I really don't get them. So Samey did end up getting booted but weird enough, Amy's mole disappeared from her face. I guess even moles don't enjoy women as a company.

I Love You, I Love You Knots

Dear Diary,

I don't see why we have to vote off a man. Only men shall prosper, not women. Our challenge today was to tell the truth or do some disgusting things. I didn't really pay attention during anyone elses turn but when it was my turn, they asked what I feared most. Men don't fear anything was my answer, but the answer was wrong apparently. So I got zapped for telling the truth, great. We were still tied so Chris decided to do a tiebreaker between Miss Sing-Song and our MANLY player, Rodney. He really blew it for the team, but I honestly thought we were still trying to vote off all the girls. I guess not everyone can see the world my way. Imbeciles.

A Blast From the Past

Dear Diary,

I'm glad at least to female our out of the team this time, who needs them? During our walk to the challenge, Topher decide to stop at random and stare at Chris' face for awhile. I didn't know that Chris used botox, too. Men have so much more in common than women do. Apparently we had to knock the other team off with a dueling stick. I would love to do that because the opposing team is missing that Zombie Boy so that makes them an all girls team. Topher was up first, I'm glad that we have a MAN. To represent our team. When I was up I had a swell time knocking off Miss Sing-Song. We managed to actually lose because Unofficial Leader was too busy not helping and Samey managed to get back on the island and beat the crud out of Amy. They are just going to get themselves kicked off the island. So Chris shot out Amy and Samey and that was that. I pissed of Scarlett by telling her she could be my personal maid and boy did she eat that up. A woman's emotions are so easy to break.

Mo' Monkeys Mo' Problems

Dear Diary,

It has become very obvious that Scarlett is falling for me, although I do not have time for such foolishness. Our challenge was to mug a monkey and put its money in a vending machine. Jasmine was being a moron and put me up in the tree. She must have a stupid face disease. Of course Scarlett came over and talked me into making a trap that Jasmine could fall into. Once we found Jasmine, she was too busy talking to like monkey's about book club or something. The monkey's threw shit at me so I figured they're probably female. So to find out which one of those monkeys had our coin we played Monkey-See-Monkey-Do. A brilliant plan by yours truly. We did manage to get the coin, but all of us ended up in my trap. Oops. So Jasmine started complaining on her hair and other girl stuff when the net fell. She even failed to win it for our team. I actually almost ended up getting eliminated when Chris booted of the Singing Pixie. Guess he knows to side with the men.

This is the Pits

Dear Diary,

I was stuck in a cave with Scarlett for an hour or so. She was just completely annoying. She wanted to skin the gator and make boots from them and do this and that. Dang women. We eventually got out because I found an ancient cree elevator. It was thanks to me that we got out and I hope Scarlett knows that. I ended up switching places with that tiny girl and ended up on the girls team with Shaun. At least there's one man alive here.

Three Zones and a Baby

Dear Diary,

So it turns out Dave is a guy, weird huh? Todays challenge required us to hold a baby. My baby was a boy and all, but I still hate children in general. Near the very end of the challenge, I tried to smuggle the baby in my jacket to suffocate the baby but, that was against the law I ended up winning, probably because it was 3 men and 1 girl versus 3 girls and 1 man. They ended up sending the only guy on their team home, which makes it easier for us to win.

Hurl and Go Seek

Dear Diary,

I think I was dying today, probably because I had to look at Scarletts ugly mug the whole time. I can't exactly remembered what happened. But what I do know is that the island is going through some really weird phases.

Scarlett Fever

Dear Diary,

Chris still wants me to write about the day I was kicked out. Whatever. So we had to stop the islands weird growth-spurt in pairs, I was partnered up with Scarlett which was just awful. She went all psycho-killer crazy in there and practically got me killed. Women. So she spawned in a mechanical bear that tried to kill me. I eventually ran into the others where Shaun disposed of the bear. Men are truly here to save everyone. Scarlett was smart sure, but she was still dumb enough to fall for a horribly disfigured Chris robot. Women are such idiots. Scarlett was of course eliminated but Chris must've gotten the emails about me being a sexist jerk and booted me off with Scarlett. She should be thankful she was in the cannon with the best man in the universe.


	8. Samey's Diary

So, Uh This is My Team?

Dear Diary,

For the record, I want to say that I was born first and my mom wanted Amy to feel special by saying she was born first. Yeah, major backfire. So Amy starts bossing me around and making me feel like utter shit. I'd still feel like that if Amy didn't know, fucking moron. So here I was getting bossed around by some two-faced wannabe me. I cushioned her fall from a zeppelin and was used as a human shield. Things could only go up from here right? Also we have a new house in the tree now, it's better than sleeping on a bunch of rocks.

I Love You Grease Pig

Dear Diary,

This morning I was having a great time helping Topher send Chris some death threats when Amy comes in and shoves me out to help Jasmine find some food. Despicable scum. Also, I get that Jasmine likes and respects me and all but why does she keep freaking calling me "Samey"? I'm pretty sure Chris said my name was Sammy so why the hell won't Jasmine call me by my real name? If she expects me to join her group, she'd better call me by my real name. I guess that the Evil Queen from Snow White must've dropped the some death apple because I had the urge to scratch off my skin. That Zombie Freak started saying how the apple is deadly and something about flora and told me to drown in a river. Afterwards, it was challenge time. We had to forcefully drag some braindead pig through a bunch of obstacles covered with grease. I was stuck with Amy because the teams were imbalanced. When we did get the pig, Amy, being the fat whore she is, tried to eat the pig and dip it in grease. The pig started running around and almost got Amy stuck in the tubes. This would've been great if I wasn't stuck to. Once we were out, Amy said she looked almost as ugly as me. We're fucking twins brainiac. We still managed to win so not everything was bad, I guess.

Twinning Isn't Everything

Dear Diary,

I helped Jasmine pick up food as usual when she told me I should kill my sister or something. I guess plotting out murders is her way of friendship. After some time, Jasmine and I delivered what ever Jasmine didn't eat. I did what Jasmine said and started bitching off at Amy when she started saying that we are family. Everyone started turning on me and Amy started getting comforted by Scarlett. So my team is loaded with idiots if they can't hear "And don't be all lazy like you were when you were born." During our challenge, I may or may not have popped a balloon and lost us the game. But if it means anything, it was Jasmine's fault, too. We were all huddled into a cave after the game was over, I grabbed that death apple thing and crammed it down Amy's throat, and let me just say that was the most fun I had in years. I dressed as Amy, and by dressed I mean said I was Amy, so Chris ended mistaking Amy as me and booted her off the island. I'm just ready to trash Amy's reputation, if she has any left anyway.

I Love You, I Love You Knots

Dear Diary,

So this is like, day one of being Amy. I still went foraging with Jasmine and she seemed okay with it. While we were picking berries, Dave and Shaun were playing with sticks. I won't think too hard on it. We brought back the food to our team when Rodney started insulting "Samey's" berry picking skills. I was ready to pummel him, but Chris interrupted me. He wanted us in the meeting area for a "fun-activity". Oh boy. So we either had to tell the truth or do a scare. Of course being me, I got truth. Chris then spawned a lie-detecting chicken on us. Fucking great. I was sort of hoping that the question was "Who's the biggest whore on the show" or "Which person seriously needs to die," but nope. It was just who I hated the most. Of course it was freakin' Amy, but people had trouble understanding why I hated myself. I wanted to say a lot of shit about Amy at this point, but then Jasmine said that Samey was the reason for all of this. I really can't tell which side she's on. A bunch of shit happened and the game still ended in a tie. Chris chose Rodney to break the tie and the Pink Girl for the other team. It was no shock that Rodney failed and lost it for the team. So he was sent back home. We won't miss him.

A Blast From the Past

Dear Diary,

Well shit. Amy managed to get back on the island and totally got me kicked out with her. Today's challenge was to beat the cruddle out of each other with a dueling stick. Jasmine was psyched out today, so I guess there goes winning anything. Also, just wanna say that being rude is really fun. I can threaten people whenever I feel like it and scream rudely for no reason. Anyway, a lot of shit happened and Amy showed up out of the blue. Literally. We talked shit about each other for awhile, which lost us the game. And just wanna say, it was also Jasmine's fault, at least. As I stated, we both got the boot. But while we were both fighting before we got launched in the cannons, I could've sworn I heard Amy say Topher thinks I'm fat. I'm really gonna kill her.


	9. Scarlett's Diary

**For those of you that actually care, I was sort of on a vacay (Hope you said this with an annoying voice) so I really didn't get time to do any writing. So I guess here's Scarlet! Oh by the way, I forgot Rodney, but that will be coming afterwards, hopefully. Also, sorry for all the lazier content, I'm really losing my touch, if I had any to begin with anyway.**

So, Uh This is My Team

Dear Diary,

So I may be a bit observant, so? I was supposed to be crowned number one stalker but that Sierra girl took that vote. On our ride here, everyone was talking and getting along well. I took note, each of them were so vulnerable and easy to eavesdrop on. Our ride eventually took a fall and we were separated into teams. We were told to build houses and that was that. I knew everything on everyone, Jasmine has three followers and is way too desperate, she took charge. Then Amy used her runaway slave, Samey, as a shield. I remember Amy from when she tried to sign a petition in school to get the teachers to kick out any not white people. Including gingers. She is going down. We did manage to make a functional base so I know where everyone is hiding now. THEY WILL NEVER GET OUT OF MY REACH.

I Love You Grease Pig

Dear Diary,

So I heard that Jasmine and Samey were starting some kick-butt crew to wipe-out Amy. Anyway, I could tell my great "hearing skills hearing" were getting on the nerve of some people, and I could tell that Topher wasn't buying the whole "I dropped my hair-tie in your bed" excuse. So I tried to gain the trust of Max, the sexist ass-hat. Sure maybe that was a horrible decision, but if you knew the dirt on anyone here, you'd pick Max, too. As it turns out, our team didn't lose and we were safe for another day. Just I need a little more physical reports on Amy, and I believe that will fill up any blanks on her.

Twinning Isn't Everything

Dear Diary,

We had Jasmine's leftovers for breakfast today, and the two duets started arguing with each other. So then Amy decides to go to me for comfort. Fine by me, I needed a strand of her hair for the scrapbooks. Chris was eventually over the speaker and told us to haul ass to the meeting area, our challenge was to beat the ships out of each other through balloons. At first I was silently following Rodney when I remembered that I still haven't talked to Max, intentionally. He called me dumb and told me to eat a buffet. I told him to pop the enemies balloons and he took the idea. Typical. I branched off for awhile to find that Shaun has a strange interest in the Amoeba Boys and later came back to Max, only to be pelted in Nickelodeon merchandise. So I was out of the game. When the game did end, we decided to huddle in a cave for whatever reason. Amy ended up getting booted off today. There goes the research, thanks Samey.

I Love You, I Love You Knots

Dear Diary,

So today started when I woke up and watched Rodney's breathing pattern when he woke up. While we were walking together, I remembered that Rodney had a strong disliking for Sugar scat and warned him not to step in. I also forgot that Rodney likes to "yiff" at night. My bad. We ended up eating Jasmine's leftovers again when Rodney commented on Samey's shitty foraging skills. I chimed in only to piss her off for the whole ruined research thing. She was ticked. Chris then came on the speakers and told us to meet at the meeting zone. So out new challenge was to tell the truth and be gross. I was stuck with having to circumcise a bear, and let me tell you, THAT wasn't fun. Although I'm sure that Chris knows the feeling. We ended up losing again and we booted that furry fuck off the island. That's one less ginger off the show, making me into a real character. So know it's time for Samey's research and let me just hope she doesn't wake up this time.

A Blast From the Past 

Dear Diary,

Maybe I should just start researching people that I DO expect are leaving, because all this research is going in the shit pile if everyone I'm looking at gets eliminated the next second. So as usual, the day started with me monitoring someones sleep, in this case it was Max. When Chris shouted out through the speakers, he wanted to meet, no shock there. When we did get there, Chris was wearing come dumb girls cosmetic or something and told us to knock each other off the dock with a dueling stick. I helped Max electrocute the Devil's prostitute and I knocked down the tiny lesbian. Of course she swung too hard, she wanted a piece of this. We still managed to lose because the racist slave-driver showed up on the island and lost us the game, and turns out that people didn't realize that Samey was Amy. She had a fucking blueberry on her face, the island is full of idiots. The Demented Pines Twins ended up leaving, so I guess that means I'll be spying on the other team from now on, starting with Sky, she's not going anywhere as far as I can tell, she has that sort of vibe.

Mo' Monkey, Mo' Problems

Dear Diary,

I want to say that I'm shocked that he got up before I did. Why was he asking me to fetch food? Jasmine always feeds us her leftovers, jeez. Chris eventually told us to go to the clearing for the challenge and told us to find a monkey and steal its money. I started following Sky, when I realized that Jasmine hanged Max by his panties. Let me just state that I told him to make a trap only to see if he'd fail and end up falling in his own trap, because he does that, A LOT. Well we all ended up getting stuck in the trap and lost the game. Max was GONNA leave but Chris disqualified Ella for trying to get some.

This Is The Pits

Dear Diary,

Yeah, so elevators and caves are totally natural. I get that Max is a sexist idiot, but really?! I honestly think that staying with Dave might even be a better idea. I told him to go and wear the gator and ran off, but he still caught me. I could never tell he was some kind of marathon runner. Thankfully, he got switched out with Sky because Chris thought that I was trying to get laid. Yeah, how about no.

Three Zones and a Baby

Dear Diary,

I was inspecting Sky's sleep today when she woke up. I should be more quiet if every person is going to wake up when I "research" them. So our challenge today was to carry some failed abortion through a field of lions and snakes, a deranged veteran chef partnered with an italian food eating bear, and an avalanche. I was gonna tell Chris that this was the worst idea since joining Fametown when Topher said it for me, which was the reason we're holding these infants. I really need to tell Chris that maybe Sky was in on the whole teenage pregnancy thing but really didn't get the chance. Anyways, I think Topher was taking lessons from Ella's death dance lessons or something because he was doing some… "Interesting" Topher's countless attempts to kill Chris failed. He also ended up making us lose the challenge so he was so out. We don't need two murderers on the island, right? I so am not foreshadowing anything.

Hurl and Go Seek

Dear Diary,

I can barely remember what happened today. I remember searching through the boys side of the fort to see if Topher left behind any clothing so I could put it in the scrapbook but was out of luck. Then I remember lights, merge, and shit. I think that Chris poisoned us, but I really can't remember. Let's hope that whatever DID happened wasn't too important.

So apparently Chris didn't want another creepy stalker person on the island, probably scared I might blow up the island with birthday cake candles. He's such an idiot. He bribed me by spoiling all the eliminations, I don't know how he got this, but I'm shocked that Sugar really got that far. It's probably all fake anyways.

Scarlett Fever

Dear Diary,

So I may have went all kill crazy and threatened to kill everyone with a new look, but to be fair, I didn't have many connections with wi-fi, mostly thanks to Topher and his shit phone. So my stalker instincts hit the max, literally, I knew that he had a huge fear in bears, so what was scarier than a robot dressed as a fake bear? I lead the whole crew into a Chris orgy and was sure that they wouldn't make it out but I ended up falling for some stupid Chris robot with red eyes. I hope that I was drunk or something because that was embarrassing. Anyway, that was the end of my stalker career, at least I know more about this years cast than Sierra does, maybe. Also, Chris fired me off with that Max moron. He can't swim well, so maybe I won't see him ever again, the day is honestly getting better and better.


	10. Rodney's Diary

So, Uh This is My Team?

Dear Diary,

I think I yiffed a bit when we got here. All I could see was a bunch of pretty animals. Reeeaal pretty. When we eventually were split into teams, I was glad to be part of the hotties. I'm already in love with my black panther, Jasmine. She and I can always get along, but she made it obvious she's pretty expensive, guess she's good if she cost that much. I'm a rough and tough tiger, so I should always make it top. I really hope Jasmine and I can enjoy each other and maybe play a few rounds of Sonic the Hedgehog or watch Tuff Puppy.

I Love You Grease Pig

Dear Diary,

Hold the furry-train, Amy was never so, fuzzy. I could breakup with Jasmine, but a threesome is just as fun. The story started when we were trying to "herd pigs" and I was trying to ask Jasmine if she'd like to have a pigged out time with me when Amy punched me. She probably works as a dominatrix, she is a sadist. She is now known as my wolf, Amy. She is the best of the best. I just hope Jasmine would be on board with the idea.

Twinning Isn't Everything

Dear Diary,

I really can't tell who's more attractive, there's Jasmine the Panther and Amy the Wolf. They both always make me yiff, it's really hard to choose one as supreme. I tried to tell Amy about the sexathon when she walked off and I got pelted by balloons. I really did forget about the challenge but I was so consumed with the fact that Amy gave me the cold shoulder. She was just leading me on, sexay laday. Anyway, I guess Samey is gone now, which makes it easier for me to recognize Amy.

I Love You, I Love You Knots

Dear Diary,

Today started out so well, but now everything sucks. I started the day with a nightmare from back on the farm. I love every furry creature, but there's just something I can't stand about raccoons. I think that the dream was coincidental, because I woke up this morning about to step in fresh raccoon poop, before Scarlet stopped me. It may have been real poop, who knows. I doubt that Sugar ever uses the outhouse for actual bathroom uses. Anyway, Scarlet was turning me on again, she was my kittycat. Totally can't not yiff to that. So throughout the challenge, I got questions like who I liked and who I would save, the jealousy in girls are always on, so I was so ready for them to be fighting for me, but the girls voted me off instead. Unless Topher and Max count as three people. I really can't tell now, oh well. Growing up in the farm always has it's perks.


	11. Shaun's Diary

So, Uh This is My Team?

Dear Diary,

Okay, so cannibalism is wrong, but how the heck am I supposed to control it. Chris' interns were asking for it anyway. At first when we got to the island, all I could see was just lots and lots succulent meat to eat. While I was zoned out, the blimp exploded and we had to jump for it, by grabbing a parachute. I got the decoy and was put on team losers. Our first challenge was to make a house out of a can of human flesh soup and pink cocaine. And I have to say, it turned out great. I'm talking about the soup was good, we failed the challenge. I really couldn't sleep with anyone, because I had always feared that I'd end up just eating them alive, and I didn't want to be in THAT situation again. So I ended up sleeping in a tree, I ended up falling off a lot but, I really can't stop it.

I Love You Grease Pig

Dear Diary,

Today wasn't my best day ever, that's for sure. This morning, I tried my very best to make Samey "accidentally" get herself killed for a free meal. She grabbed a death apple so I tried to make her "slip and fall in a river" she really didn't fall for it. I don't care about that girl who was with her, but some Samey meat would be good for me. We ended up having a challenge to see who could carry Sugar's brother through a greased up obstacle course. As usual, we ended up losing, AGAIN. We also voted off the black person, I'm not much of a fan for dark meat, anyway. I blame Dave for his poor teamwork skills. If anyone, I'd eat him first, but I'm looking for a meal, not some puny snack. Also, I remember hearing that there's some animatronic bear lurking around the caves and thought that if my teammates died in there, there's more food for me. So guess who's getting lunch.

Twinning Isn't Everything

Dear Diary,

This day could've been better… I was trying to get Samey's attention and shoot looks at Jasmine to get her to leave, when Samey left instead. There goes the meal. Jasmine was talking about some shit, but if you've met her you probably wouldn't want to be near her either. Stupid Viners. I had to leave to bring food to my "team" and was tackled by the ground by some fat whore. Yeah, I'm not TOO desperate for food. Ella began doing some creepy vocal lessons when Sugar interrupted. I really liked that song, too. Sky came in with some urine in a bucket when Ella began singing again, then Dave started bitching. I'll eat Dave first, then Ella, then never Sugar, and lastly Sky. Rainbow meat isn't my thing but it's a start I guess. So our challenge was to try not to get pelted by balloons filled with Chris' bodily fluids. I hid in some tiny shrub next to a mountain that has a perfect view of where I'm hiding. The Sexcrazed Asshole told me the other team was popping our balloons, which I really couldn't care less for. We managed to win somehow, so I guess that was that. Also, I don't know where this came from, but I got a package with one of Chris' interns inside, he was dead so I didn't feel TOO bad. It was a gift from the zombie gods.

I Love You I Love You Knots

Dear Diary,

I'm kind of steamed that they voted off Samey yesterday. I was really looking forward to her. So today, I wanted to get Dave to "accidentally" fall into a deep hole while we were looking for food when that Jasmine whore came back and totally ruined it. And she even brought Samey's uglier twin with her. I think Jasmine's just trying to get on my nerves. Our challenge today was something lame called truth or scare. Chris' really running out of ideas. That Amy bitch got truth and the question who do you hate the most. She chose herself and let me tell you, I'm sure everyone else on the island hated her, too. Well… Not as much as Sugar anyway. Sky had to drink a bottle of semen out of a bottle, so I "helped" her a bit. We won that one, later it was Dave's turn and he had to bite face with someone next to him. Yeah, I'm sure Dave enjoys kissing and all but I don't swing that way. Then he tried kissing Sky and she tried to turn him into a Super Saiyan. We fucking lost. I blame Dave on this. Then it was MY turn. I had to wipe off some of my nose jizz onto someone next to me, but I thought Dave needed a little something special. I may have overdid it but, you try living with him. We didn't get the point though, because I was supposed to pick and wipe, oh well it was worth it. We ended up winning in the end, though. And I got another abandon hand in the package. Now that I think about it, the package was never really addressed for me, but hey, a dead body is a dead body. It's just a free meal for me!

A Blast From the Past

Dear Diary,

I think I saw some guy dressed in camouflage and thought that the law finally caught up with me. I dressed like a low life bum for a reason. I mean if I was hiding from the officers, I prolly shouldn't have joined a national tv show, but hey, I looked really different then. Back home, a lot of bodies went missing and was performed by yours truly. My mom figured out, but I couldn't let her tell the cops. I hid my dead bodies stash in our basement. Anyway, I ran towards the forest and covered myself in Sugar's leftovers from breakfast and spoke gibberish to camouflage as some loser who's been living on the island. Apparently I wasn't doing so good because Chef caught me as fast as I fast as I can eat human flesh. He brought me back to the dock where everyone was getting wet. When I did get up to bat. Dave told me that Jasmine was turned into a guy and that I could hit her with the dueling stick. At least that means I won't feel too guilty if I "accidentally" kill her. Turns out she wasn't a guy, and that she isn't dead. Guess there goes my meal. Also, Samey came back, or Amy came back, I really don't know. Worst part is Samey got the boot, NOT JASMINE. Really? I was so stoked to have Samey back. Ugh, at least I still have the human torso that I found in the forest. It was addressed to Chris, so I really don't want to know what deal Chris is making on the island. Although, I would really enjoy it if Chris let me get in on it.

Mo' Monkey Mo' Problems

Dear Diary,

So I found Dave in the middle of the forest and got my knife out, hidden from his view of course. When he told me to fetch Sky. I'll did it, but only for him to return the favor. When I managed to find Sky. Chris started bitching through the speaker that it was time for our next challenge. We had to hunt down a monkey and steal its money. This is practically a hobby where I live. As far as I could tell, the other team wasn't going anywhere any time soon, so I was sure that we'd win. We chased the monkey only for it to eat the coin, then get eaten by a bear, then have the bear entranced by Ella, have Sugar put her hand in the bear to get the monkey, and put her hand in the monkey to get the coin. Today wasn't the worst day I had here. We managed to win because Sugar is good at tossing coins some how. But Ella was voted off because of her death singing. I think Chris' got the wrong person. But, hey I'm still getting a cache of corpses over here. One of them was missing some limbs so I just hope that Sachiko Shinozaki wasn't sending me this.

This Is The Pits!

Dear Diary,

Maybe I should've told Chris that Sugar was plotting to kill him, only to get him to boot off Sugar. I mean, Ella was kind of creepy, but Sugar is annoying as hell. Being locked in a cell sounds better than this. Anyway, our challenge today was to roll of inside of a hamster ball. We ended up stuck in a fucking pit. It was a stupid challenge but turns out that it was just a lie. Chris told us we were actually supposed to be in this pit and we had to get out and find the finish line. Then Jasmine decides a great way of getting out of an unstable and ready to collapse cave is to pound vigorously at the walls. Then Sugar thinks that screaming really loudly out of nowhere is a great idea. Then we got stuck in a cave. Can I please kill Sugar? I don't want to eat the whore, but can I just kill her? She probably wouldn't even notice. We roamed around the shit tunnel only to have Sugar pretend to be a drunk train and get chased by Heather MIlls bear, who got pissed when I stole some priceless gem, fucking gold digger. Then we came out of the confessionals and I'll be honest, guts and gore, no problem, fucking feces and urine, big problem. Sugar didn't even seem to mind, probably because she thinks her own shit is piles of imported chocolate. She doesn't even go to the outhouse confessionals. We lost the game, just like everyone else, and then Chris switched out Max for Sky. Sure I hated Sky, but she was at least the only other attractive girl on our team since Ella left. By the way, the person who kept leaving boxes in the forest was a no show. There was no dead body or anything. If he ran out, we've still go Dave and Jasmine here.

Three Zones and A Baby

Dear Diary,

I think Jasmine and Sky are getting along great. That fucking sucks because I was hoping that if they hated each other, one wouldn't be breathing. When I went back to our "base", I think Sugar was trying to get laid and Dave was being a whiny little pussy bitch. I was trying to feed him poison on a stick but he totally turned it down. Then we had to play a relaxing game of "Hush or FUCKING DIE." Chris explained the game and it was utter shit. I was ready to just tell Chris to stop trying. When Topher chimed in. Meh, at least I didn't have to say anything. So during our game, Dave was doing a shit job and I was ready to tell him to fucking try or we'd give him the boot. He didn't seem to care, so I kinda dragged him around as a snack for later. We eventually got to the last part of the challenge and used Dave as a snack and he got better. Really? I was dragging him through the whole challenge only for him to feel better. Doesn't mean I'm not gonna stop trying to kill him. The other team lost and booted off Topher. That brings the islands death rate from 78% to 48%. That only leaves the animals, me, and whatever Chris is plotting next. Also I'm still not getting corpses. Guess I'm back to eating shit berries and Chris' lost interns.

Hurl and Go Seek

Dear Diary,

So Chris woke us up in the middle of the night to let us know we're merged and have us drink Sugar bait. I don't know what was in there, but I'm sticking to dead bodies. Anyway, we had to try to not let Sugar touch us, even though I'm sure all of us do that on a daily basis. I hid in the bushes for awhile when I saw Jasmine, then I planted a knife face up in the ground and told Jasmine to hide here. She started bitching me off and rejected my offer. She thought I was trying to get her to hide there so I knew where she was if I got tagged, that wasn't it at all, but it was still a good plan. I ended up hiding in a tree for awhile when I spotted Jasmine getting chased by everyone else, I think they're going through phases or something. I thought that if Jasmine maybe tried to the climb this tree, she'd fall, and maybe even die, for another free meal meant for me. We got to the top, with no where else to go I thought that maybe Jasmine and I could settle our problems and I made a sacrifice. I jumped off the tree and stomped on all the other contestants faces. It was more for my enjoyment than to save Jasmine. She won immunity and Sky hypnotized Dave into getting himself voted off and made a whole campaign for it. Must really not like Dave, alike to me.

Scarlett Fever

Dear Diary,

I never really did notice but the island is mostly a fake. We had to go down into the security system in the island to try to turn off the self destruct system. I went with Jasmine because I didn't want to go with Max or Sugar, Scarlett's creepy, and Sky is a lesbian. So my choices are very limited. We ended up getting chased by the cast of Five Nights at Freddy's and got laser eyes surgery. Also, turns out Scarlett isn't sane. As if you couldn't already tell. So Chris booted off Scarlett and Max, which I really couldn't care less for.

Sky Fall

Dear Diary,

So Jasmine thinks we should form an alliance and share the money if one of us wins. Yeah how about no. We may be friend-ish but that doesn't mean that we're some stupid couple, friends with benefits maybe, but not boyfriend of girlfriend. So we raced through hell's mountain and I got a spot in the final three. Jasmine however was too busy hugging wood to try to make it the finale. One less person to worry about. Sad to see no one died along the way, I'd really enjoy a meal some time soon.

Pahk'd With Talent

Dear Diary,

Thank God Sugar's gone. It all started when Chris made us do challenges that were made for each of us. The first one was Sky, which I thought would be something like who can get the most girls to fuck with each other, but NOPE. It was a one hundred meter hurdle race where we have to do some track bullshit. I got second, and Sky of course got first. Then it was my turn. We were gonna do some sleuthing around to find out who could find all of the pieces of the rotting corpse but instead we did some tree parkour. I won first, and Sky got last. Loser. Then it was Sugar's challenge. I thought of a whole list of what it could be, but it was stupid Honey Boo Boo talent show. My talent was decapitating "fake" bodies which won me a spot in the final two. Sky's talent was having sex with a doll that looked suspiciously like Ella. She scored relatively well. Chris gave her the lowest score, probably because he's a queer. I bet he was turned on when Topher was around. Next, Sugar went and… Well she's gone and that's the good part. Chris decided to let me say our "goodbyes" and left me a leftovers box. I wouldn't eat Sugar, kill her was an absolute must.

Lies, Cries and One Big Prize

Dear Diary,

So today might've been my worst day on the island. Chris told us to choose our partner for some stupid obstacle course. I wanted to pick Ella or Topher because I'm sure they could help kill Chris and grab me the money, but NOPE. I get Jasmine. Great. Sky got Dave, though. Huge advantage for me! Our first task was to slide down the mountain. I was hoping I could use Jasmine as the sled down but she got on some skis and raced down on her back. I'm more turned on by dead corpses. So Dave and Sky were pretty far behind, which pretty much spelled out victory when Jasmine said that if she won, she'd get some money to fund some Army Against Amy. I guess I'm fine with her idea but she needs to get her own fucking money. What am I? Some stupid charity? Chris eventually showed Jasmine and Dave some important information. He showed my hatred for sharing money, who wouldn't,and showed Dave that Sky has a boyfriend, and about seven different girlfriends. He totally freaked out and Jasmine started fucking crying. Then they got remotes to control the island and almost stopped us from winning. I won the game and the money when Chris told me that some fans wouldn't be happy with this and told us to make another ending where Sky wins. Are you fucking kidding me? This is reality tv. WHY WOULD WE NEED SOME STUPID SCRIPTED ENDING? So Sky got her pathetic side of the ending and we shared the money three way, killed Chris and enjoyed our life. Before we left, Dave started bitching that he didn't get any money, so I may or may not have decided to stab him… multiple times. Again and again. Then stuff his body in a bag to save for later. I took his diary and wrote an entry today, to at least try to set up an alibi, sort of. So now Jasmine's going off to kill Amy, Sky's a huge pornstar, and I'm in a human trafficking service. It's a happy ending.


	12. Sky's Diary

So, Uh This my Team?

Dear Diary,

When we first got on the blimp, I want to say that there were a lot of people that I wouldn't mind sleeping in bed with here. I mean, we've got Ella, the Twins, maybe even ginger girl. Sadly, I only got one girl on that list, unless you count Dave. We had to build a house out of what we could find in the scrap pile, which would be cocaine and a can of Death Soup. We slept on a pile of rocks last night and I could tell that Ella was having trouble sleeping. We got closer and kind of huddled together, it was awesome. We lost the challenge though, I voted off Sugar because she was a nuisance to everyone and was disgusting, which I thought everyone else did, BUT NOPE. They voted off the guy that didn't do anything. I swear if that fat bitch makes it to the end of the game-

I Love You Grease Pig!

Dear Diary,

This morning Ella was helping out a pig, Sugar has hands, Ella shouldn't need to help that fat ass. Anyway, we started the new challenge of bringing some boar into a wet obstacle course. I got control of that pig and I could tell all these sexercize lessons are seriously paying off. We lost, as usual, and voted off Starswirl the Bearded because his unicorn magic was awful. Anyway, Death Disrespect brought us into the place he probably hides all of his bodies. He didn't sleep with us, so it was obvious that he didn't trust this place. At least Ella was here to make things better.

Twinning Isn't Everything

Dear Diary,

After sleeping on some crappy stones, Ella decided she was still tired and went back to our bed. Whatever I guess. She gave me a bucket to get water from the stream, I sort of pissed in it instead and served it to everyone else. I also saw Shaun holding a bloodied up box, not gonna talk about it. Ella started getting all horny and started hitting on Dave and Shaun. I was pretty pissed, but I'm glad to see that Shaun pretty much told her to fuck off. I don't know if she's bi too, but she's with me for now, we're not friends with benefits. Chris called us for our next challenge, which was to throw oversized condoms filled with pretty much anything. I'm starting to get a bit horny. When I was walking around, I saw that pussy, Dave, behind me. I was ready to pop his ass, but realized that I really don't want to lose again. I may like guys and girls, but I really only like to have sex with guys who look manly and act relatively manly. The only relatively attractive guys on the island are Shaun and Topher, and Dave isn't one of them. I was about to beat the shit out of him when someone kills my ovaries. There goes my eggs. So inside of the remains of my balloons were fucking bees. They stung me and I may have liked it for awhile, but getting rid of the stingers was the annoying part. Dave came back and started saying shit about me and I told him to fuck off. Dave is a total annoyance. After the game, I invited the girls on the other team, Topher, and Shaun into our cave to have some fun. I mean spin the bottle, not any actual sex, sadly. Samey left for food and came back two seconds later choking on something. I bet it was the D! OOOOOOOH.

I Love You, I Love You Knots

Dear Diary,

After this morning's special activity, Ella and I decided to take a break and go have a piss break. While we were peeing, Chris told us that it was time for our next challenge. We had to tell the truth or be disgusting as fuck, otherwise we get shocked and receive no points. The less interesting twin went up first and got a truth. Then Chris brought in his sister in law to make sure we tell the truth. When it was my turn, I had to drink some penis pudding in 30 seconds. I'm already full thanks to Ella, so I was taking quite awhile. Then Shaun came up and forced it down. I may have been horny, but I think I may have gotten pregnant thanks to all of this. Ella's paying the child support checks. Some stuff happened on the other team but who cares, on our team, Dave had to make out with me, so I was stalling as long as possible and queefed through my mouth to get him away. We may not have gotten a point, but I'm fine with this. Then Shaun had to ejaculate his nose to snot off on Dave and the rest of us. We didn't get a fucking point though because he didn't pick his nose and wipe it off on Dave. Then Ella had to say what she would change about herself if she had to. I hoped she'd finally admit we've been dating, or mention me at the very least, but instead she just said she wanted to be a basilisk. And we got it wrong too. I hope someone kills McLean soon, but I heard that Shaun and Topher are the scariest people here, other than Ella, so I'm sure Chris' getting dethroned soon. Anyway, I ended up having to put condoms on beavers as my second scare and let me tell you, I got a real good spanking. We ended up tied but still won. We ate some tasty chicken, too. Then Ella and I did some things before sleeping. We only talked about Dave, so don't get your panties in a twist.

A Blast From The Past

Dear Diary,

This morning, we had to walk to our challenge by the shore when Ella started to read her poem on how fat and annoying Sugar is. I told her stuff about how friendship can go fuck itself, but I really don't think she got the message. Also, I think Ella has been cheating on me with Dave, I mean, she's been singing to him and totally into him. Well I'm over all the butterflies, but I'm still into Ella, not that I wasn't in the first place. During our challenge, zombie guy was missing, so Chef went to find him. That's not important, what IS important is that Ella won't stop messing around with Dave. TOPHER IS RIGHT THERE ELLA, she could have at least picked a better guy to screw around with. She kept touching his shoulders and trying to get his soul. I'm annoyed now. She got all wet though, so I say it paid off. I also tried to swing hard at Scarlett to see her wet when she totally dodged it. Smart and sexy. The only highlight to this was that Amy and Samey got down, and then got booted off the show. Stinks that all the sexy bitches are leaving. Ella, Topher, and Shaun are all I really have by this point.

Mo Monkeys Mo Problems

Dear Diary,

So I guess Ella got turned down today by Dave, that's great and all but turns out the person Dave wants to fuck with is me! Get lost wannabe Noah. So our challenge was to mug a monkey and buy food with what the monkeys got. Good news is that we have Shaun and Ella on our team, but they have Topher. I doubt he kills animals, though. He looks more like a human killer kind of guy. Dave had a cleverly hidden dildo to bait the monkey, but when we finally found the little bitch, Sugar decided to swallow the dildo whole. I was annoyed, mostly because she wasn't doing it right, waste of a fucking dildo. So then a bear came out and ate the monkey, while the monkey was eating a coin. Then Ella did some death shit or whatever, and we scored a point for our team. I tried getting our team name changed to Sex Cadets but I think Chris didn't find Sugar so "fitting" for it. Also, Ella's fucking gone. My only options now are Shaun, Topher, and maybe Scarlett. I'm really running out of options.

This Is The Pits!

Dear Diary,

I was having this sexy dream with Ella and Topher when Dave came around and ruined everything. Then, I accidentally got some blue shit on my face when Sugar came around and bitch slapped me. Whore's going down. Then Chris called us over and told us that we're gonna roll down hamster balls and shit. I was glad it was dark in there so no one could notice that Shaun and I were... Nevermind. Turns out that our real challenge was to escape the vase and reach the finish line. When we first hit the bottom, Dave was trying to be the bottom and I was over him. I was ready to strangle him when I saw that Sugar may have had too many berries and started shitting I avoided it and let Dave take a few. He was covered in the Blue Man group jizz now, hope he likes it. So on the caves were retarded glow slugs and Scrooge McDucks pet bear. We also got out of the confessionals. I almost forgot we had a relatively functional bathroom, I always piss in Dave's clothes in the forest. No one went home today, except the food. Chris doesn't naturally feed us anyway, I doubt it really matters. I got switched over to the other team too, because Scarlett wanted Max a bit too much. Chris is a moron if he can't figure out that I'm the sexual over craze… Right?

Three Zones And A Baby

Dear Diary,

This morning, Scarlett was creeping up on me during my sleep. She totally wants me. Jasmine came in and told me to join her Fuck Amy clan. I already beat her to it. Then Chris called us over for our next challenge. It was to run through three zones and some other bs. Topher started saying shit and got us to hold some shit. So I guess I really was pregnant during the truth or death game. We had to hold a baby through the most dangerous places and try to make sure the baby shuts the fuck up. Basically normal mom stuff. Jasmine told me that I should try to kill Dave to make sure he doesn't make it to the finish line, trust me, putting his life in danger is something I wanted to do since I met the asshole. So I did grab the snake and threw it because he didn't deserve anything to be sucking his ass. Later I got him stuck in spaghetti semen when I threw a horn at him. It was not a sign that I was horny, it was a sign signalling, "I hate you please die". We had almost won when I saw Topher. I started acting all sexy and all seductive. Topher was probably real turned on and couldn't contain his excitement and brought down the avalanche. Scarlett and Jasmine was on board with kicking out Topher, but there really aren't many attractive people left, Scarlett is pretty meh and Shaun is on the other team. Topher still left though, sad really. At least we have less of a chance to die.

Hurl And Go Seek

Dear Diary,

I think I was high on some shrooms earlier cause I swear to god I thought I saw some athlete guy make out with me. And then some fucking blonde whore starting beating the shit out of me. I think I just went crazy or something… My head hurts like hell, though. From what I could gather, Dave was being a douche, which was better than being a cry baby, but I still hated him. If I remember rightly, I made some buttons and posters to vote Dave off and said Dave made them. Then the island started spazzing out and went all cray-cray.

Scarlett Fever

Dear Diary,

So it's Christmas and we got the gift of "you're-gonna-die-in-a-few-minutes". I had to pair up with speech impediment girl, because Jasmine had dibs on Shaun, and Max chose Scarlett. I would've left Sugar instead, but decided, she'd probably die in some humorous ways. Then we ended up in some Chris orgy thanks to Scarlett. Scarlett was probably hoping for some sexual tension between all of us when Shaun beat the cruddle out of all the Chris-bots. Then it turns out that Scarlett is fucking evil. Then we tied her down, and I did some other things, she didn't notice though. So she of course is off the island, but Chris decides to take Max with him. No one really cared for him here, so I guess it's fine.

Sky Fall

Dear Diary,

Jasmine and wood apparently don't mix. Sugar and I made some stupid alliance that ended before we even reached the top. And some scaly reptile flew me up to the top of the mountain, where we were supposed to go. And then Jasmine was last to make it to the top of the mountain, because she sucks at life. She lost to fucking SUGAR. She's a disappointment. And Sugar DID make it to the end of the game. I told them to vote her off earlier but NOOOO let's vote off Beardo and Leonard instead. Fuck this shit. Jasmine really wasn't that hot to me so it really doesn't matter.

Pahk'd With Talent

Dear DIary,

So Sugar tried beating the shit out of me with some stupid club. And then was being her average dumb self. She lost the first challenge by collecting hurdles. Bitch is dumb as fuck. Then she grabbed onto the top of the tree and with her fat ass, managed to get second, by sheer luck. I smashed her in the end when I did some great maneuvers my friends back home showed me. I wowed everyone but Chris. Fucking queer. He turns on his rocket whenever Topher's nearby I'm sure and Topher turns on his chainsaw. Then Sugar went up and… did some… interesting things. It was enough to get her kicked out of the island, that was for sure. Gladly, Shaun and I had some fun in the treehouse before bed, and I just wanna say, he sure is good at painting. Speaking of painting, I think he painted the island red because Sugar never really did exit out of the cannon. She just kind of left. Oh well.

Lies, Cries and One Big Prize!

Dear Diary,

So after the rough night, Shaun and I really didn't get much sleep. So we ended up having next to no sleep. Was a good night really worth all the money. While we were waiting for Chris to get our challenge to get set up, he allowed us to spin a wheel to find our new partner. He got Aussie and I got the wussy. Seems fucking fair. We were basically behind the whole entire round but when we did catch up, Chris had a present for Dave and Jasmine. Jasmine got to see that Shaun hates Jasmine's Fuck Amy Armada and Dave got to know that I'm dating MANY people back home. I have more friends with benefits, so he shouldn't be so sad to not know the whole truth. Dave started bitching and Jasmine started crying, then Chris allowed them to fucking try to kill us for money. As we were running for our lives, I promised Shaun we'd split the money if one of us doesn't die, and he seemed okay with it. It was just to be fair for all the love we made in that tree house. Let's just hope he was protected. We almost lost when I had some smart thinking and used all my booty to destroy the rocks beneath us, and Shaun won. I was gonna congratulate him when Chris said that we needed to make a scripted ending of me winning. Shaun was understably mad, and we recorded my less exciting ending. I got one fucking line. Then we split the money in three, because I'd really like to see how a war between Slave Driving and Viners go. Then we left Dave because he wouldn't stop being an annoying brat. Shaun said he took care of it, so I'm happy I guess. But I can't help but feel I'm missing something. OH SHIT I FORGOT MY BABY… There was never any proof that I gave birth to it, so maybe it would just survive on its own and become some Tarzan shit or something. That would be sexy if he wasn't my kid.


	13. Topher's Diary

So, Uh This is My Team

Dear Diary,

I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks everyone on the island is a bundle of idiots. I could've killed any of them by this point, but my only true target is Chris. He leaves himself so open, it's almost like he's trying to get himself killed. I used to kill people and replace them in life. After getting bored of that life, I made it look like they committed suicide and threw their corpse off a bridge. But I wanted something a bit different this time, I wanted true fear in Chris. So behind the scenes, I grabbed Chris' interns and shoved them in boxes in the forest, sent Chris ransom notes, and hoped he saw what happened to his interns. I'm not here to win the money or help my "teammates", I'm here to kill Chris. I wonder what life is like being Chris. Replacing him is gonna be fun! Let's just hope no one here gets to him first.

I Love You Grease Pig!

Dear Diary,

So Chris' imagination has been the victim in most cases. An "Oopstical Course?" Please. I also realized, to gain trust and betray someone, I actually have to get their trust first. So I tried to sweet talk Chris but Chris is one of the last people I'd ever want to compliment. I started saying how he looked like an ultimate pile of gor and spilled guts and how he'd regret the day ever trying to resist my death, but I don't think the message got to him. We managed to win the challenge thanks to that tall girl, and thanks to wizard dude for failing. I ended up killing another one of Chris' interns and stuffing them in another box. I still haven't seen Chris wander into the forest yet, so maybe he hasn't been seeing the death threats? I'll give it a few days.

Twinning Isn't Winning

Dear Diary,

I'm starting to wonder why I even wanted to live life like Chris anyways… Everyone hates him, he spends way too much time stacking his face in pancake makeup, and he's being hunted down by the coppers, probably why he stuck the island in a "secret" location. Well we started eating some rubbish berries when the uglier twin starts saying how much of a bitch the other twin was. So they started having some family reunion while I narrated. What I said isn't important, what IS important is that we're stuck on an island, and Chris still exists. Our challenge was to throw balloons filled with God knows what. I managed to figure out that in my balloon was a knife. Don't ask me how they managed to sneak that in there. I was out looking for that scrawny wimp on the other to throw this at him, when I spotted Chris in the distance. I popped open the balloon and tried stabbing him when the knife broke and did no damage to Chris. What the hell? Was he wearing some kind of dumb metallic armor or something. It's not like he knew anyone was trying to kill him- Oh right the death threats… Well I ended up getting covered in spider guts and I had to wash it off. I told the spiders to leave, they had their chance to live. So far, Chris' has still not noticed that I stuff his lackeys in boxes and ship them into the forest, it's even addressed to him. I swear if Ella tried doing some black magic crap or something… Shaun exists, too…. This islands fucked up. We lost the challenge, too. We ended up eliminating that one girl, I already forgot her name. I hope I could at least get some damage done to Chris now that my bad luck charm is gone.

I Love You, I Love You Knots

Dear Diary,

So turns out that Chef is really into Cross-Dressing. I don't get it either. I was actually spying on Chris and Chef earlier and they said some particularly interesting things. If I explained them, it would sound way too weird. Says the guy trying to kill the host of the TV show. So while we were walking, the sadist twin starts saying how great her sister is, it's obvious that she's just being an idiot. So our game was some dumb truth or dare game, only that "dare" is changed to "scare". Originality at it's finest. I never did get a turn as it turns out. So walking away from the game was a like taking life from a poor elderly woman. Chris seems to either has a very good budget and purchased a great projector to make duplicates of himself or I'm drunk. Prolly drunk. I can't care less about what happened, but it was annoying being shocked every ten seconds without knowing what's going on. I don't really know WHAT happened, but I think it was the farmer boys fault, so we all agreed to kick him out. Chris is plated in some iron armor or something… It'll be annoying to deal with, but he'll be dead nonetheless.

A Blast From The Past

Dear Diary,

Sure bisexual twins are hot, but dead bodies are even better. I'm not some corpse fetish teen who takes pictures of dead bodies, but I sure do love making them. I found Chris again but it seems he's just immune to knives, maybe I should try harder. Well, when we had a challenge later in the day, it got even worse when I saw that Chris tried to look younger. And I thought 39 year old women try to act young was bad, Chris makes them look good. So our challenge was to knock each other off some dumb dock to fall into the ocean that is being guarded by a scuba diving bear. Originality only works some of the time. I don't care what happened, but what I DO know is that Chris almost got mauled by a bear. Funny stuff. I was gonna say my speech after Chris died, but he still turned out to be alive. Grand. The uglier twin came back or something, then they started fighting and beating up each other. Family reunions suck. They both ended up getting eliminated, even though my vote went to Jasmine. She let some stupid guy get in her way. At least twin girl GOT us a point. Jasmine did shit. Just whatever. So Chris interns were already dead when I found them, I just kinda put them in boxes and sailed them towards the forest. I hope the supplies last a bit longer.

Mo Monkey Mo Problems

Dear Diary,

So I managed to kill Chris today, but I literally don't know what else to do. We were supposed to be focusing on our challenge, but I may or may not have wandered off stabbed Chris in his abdomen and watch him bleed to death, I will admit to looking at his eyes… With my knife… I didn't think this through very well, so I ran off and hoped whoever found the body would raise the most suspicion. When we did manage to half-ass like complete the challenge, Chris was still alive. WHAT? After the challenge, I went back to check on Chris' dead corpse, and it was still there… Is there another imposter on the island?

This Is The Pits!

Dear Diary,

I think I have some bone structure issues now, thanks to Jasmine. Imagine being stuck in a cave with an annoying fake Australian Viner. My many attempts to kill her failed, so I ended up telling her about my plan to kill Chris, she didn't seemed so on board, mostly because she was more focused on wanting to kill Amy. We ended up making it out of the cave, thanks to Jasmine using me as a shovel. I have many reasons to justify me killing her, now.

Three Zones and a Baby

Dear Diary,

I finally figured out that these magical armored Chris' are actually robots. I went down into the control room for the island earlier today, and wandered into a room full of Chris-bots. So I enjoyed disassembling all of them… Most of them anyway, I think some had some dumb repair switch on them. I think robot Chris managed to figure out that I was the one sending the death threats because I'm going back "home" and I'm probably already there now. It all started when I did some of Ella's dark magic dance moves or shit like that. I'm starting to think Ella's a real sham because none of that garbage worked. I ended up getting covered in spaghetti and almost eaten by a bear, then I may or may not have fallen for Sky at the avalanche zone. Don't blame me for this, she's just being your average teen slut. I don't even care by this point. I feel like no matter how many Chris' I kill, he's just gonna come back. Also I'd like to note that I think one of the Chris bots was already damaged when I got to the control room.


	14. Sugar's Diary

So, Uh This is My Team?

Dear Diary,

My mother and father always told me to fight off the evil spirits. So the moment I met that witch loving Ella, she had to leave. She sings death melodies and starts trying to kill everyone. Surprised no one's even reacted to that yet. My best bet now is to stay low and hope that my theory is just a lie and Ella isn't planning on killing any of us. Let's just wait and see…

I Love You Grease Pig!

Dear Diary,

So apparently I looks like some sort of fat pageant queen or something. Sure right now my personality is a fake, but I actually picked out my clothing with good consideration, assholes. Also Ella is trying to kill me, or everyone else at least. Try as she must, ain't nobody gonna die on this island from the dark powers of evil magic. I tried warning everyone, but I think they've all got their ass on their head. Especially that annoying Dave kid, such an ass. So we managed to lose dragging some bacon through a grease track. I'm on a diet, so I'll admit, I wasn't all that much of a help. But Ella is trying to form some kind of death pig or something. She's gotta go, A.S.A.P.

Twinning Isn't Everything

Dear Diary,

The team should be thanking me for trying to kill Ella. This morning, she tried singing some witch shit to us. Sure, she may not be a witch is what you're prolly' saying. Just give me a chair, some rope, and a well, then we'll see. My attempts to kill Ella failed on many levels. During our challenge, I saw this good spirited bush and I tried pushing her in it, she didn't die, but she was ticked off. I don't see why everyone is still crushing off on her. By everyone, I mean Sky. But she does know Ella is only in on it just to kill her, right? Sky should be thanking me. We also managed to win a challenge for a change. Let's just hope we don't all become failures in the future, cause that would suck.

I Love You, I Love You Knots

Dear Diary,

I can tell Ella's been trying to kill me. It's obvious really. To bad everyone on my team is a brainless idiot. We've got a witch, a cannibal, a sex-crazed asshole, and the bisexual teenager. You'd think we'd lose sooner, but no. Also, just saying. I ate that tarantula because it was full of dark masses. I knew it would kill everyone on island and I was willing to sacrifice myself to protect everyone. I'm sure on the outside it looked like I was some dumb country hick trying to sneak a meal, but that's not it at all. We managed to win again, so that's good. Maybe I can actually make it through till the end of the game.

A Blast From the Past

Dear Diary,

Ella's seriously getting on my nerves. She's trying to read some rude poem about how fat I am and she's constantly trying to kiss-up to me in order to gain my trust. Please. I ended up breaking a few bones because some bear tried killing me before the girl on the other team, sadly enough, this has been the highlight of my day. The bear and Ella seemed to get along swimmingly, so I can understand why the bear carried so much aggro on me. We won again, and I'm seriously glad. I'm starting to think that maybe my team hates me. But I'm seriously trying to help them. Maybe they'd rather have Total Despair Island then Sugar Saved All of You Miserable Fucks Island. I'll just wait and see.

Mo' Monkey Mo Problems

Dear Diary,

Please tell me I didn't eat a dildo. Dave wanted to bait some monkey with a suspicious looking banana, I thought that it had some hidden mercury or something dumb like that, so I may have ate it. Turns out there was no poison or anything. I think I overestimated Dave. Fucking moron. So Ella did all this witchcraft stuff or satan power things, because this bear started following her around the place. I messaged it to Chris, but I don't think he got the message and just booted Ella off for the hell of it. That's just one less thing to worry about I guess.

This Is The Pits!

Dear Diary,

So fuck all the people on my team, if Sky didn't already beat me to it anyway. They're all complete morons. Like do they even know when death is near? We almost died in a cave and all they can worry about is having some orgy or something. I should've just left their asses behind and continue on with the rest of the game as a single team. I WILL BE THE TRUE TEAM VICTORY. I am victorious. Also they had some unfair switch for our team. We basically switched an idiot for an even bigger idiot. If it means anything, at least I won't smell viagra every time I walk in the caves.

Three Zone and A Baby

Dear Diary,

So it's official. I hate children. Stupid kid ended up getting itself stuck with a snake and a lion, and guess who HAD to save the baby. We managed to win the challenge anyway, because we used Dave as a sled. I was kind of hoping that maybe he'd be crushed to death thanks to Max and I but he's sadly still alive. Maybe he'll die next time.

Hurl and Go Seek

Dear Diary,

Remind me to never eat anything Chris feeds us. I don't remember jack shit about what we did that day. All I know is that Dave made a campaign about how much we should vote him off. My votes been on him since Ella left, so don't mind if I do.

Scarlett Fever

Dear Diary,

So Sky and I ended up together as partners, and it SUCKED. She was basically a anchor to me, she just slowed me down. Also, Scarlett was on her period or something, so she went all crazy and tried to kill us all. So Chris gave her the boot and that was that. Also I think Max went with her but who cares, really.

Sky Fall

Dear Diary,

I'm surprised I got this far! I've had to deal with so MUCH SHIT, you don't even know. I was stuck with zombie freak, the star of 16 and pregnant, and fake Australian. I hate this so much. Please kill me, like please. I tried to jump off the cliff near the end of the challenge, first I was leaning on the tree to see a good spot to jump when the tree fell and landed on Jasmine, which was strange because most of the island is artificial. Knowing I had a few second to live, I started running up the mountain to kill Sky, Chris, and Shaun. But turns out our objective was to get to the top of the mountain, where Sky, Chris, and Shaun were. UGH. I at least hope before I lose, I can at least kill Shaun or Sky.

Pahk'd With Talent

Dear Diary,

Today's my last day to be here. During my challenge in today's event, I performed my exorcism act on dummies of all the past contestants and a few of Sky's sex dolls. Chris hated it, like A LOT. So he gave me the boot. But before I go, I want to say that I know Shaun is going to spend the money on human trafficking stuff. So I want to leave the island without him knowing, I need to save the lives of the innocence. If I leave now, then no one will notice me. If you do find this plea-


	15. After Pahkitew Island

After Pahkitew Island aired, many of the contestants became stars back home, some became fugitives rather than stars but lets just ignore that for now.

Amy and Jasmine are now having an all out war in their school.

Jasmine's only argument to Amy was that she's a racist slave owner whereas Amy is saying that Jasmine is an obviously fake Australian and even stereotyped them as some sort of safari warden.

The two have caused many people in the school to separate into two groups and mercilessly beat up each other and sometimes even to the point of death, but where was Jasmine's head lieutenant Samey during all of this?

Unlike Jasmine, Samey would rather watch at the sidelines at everyone going out in full out wars, because she has the amazing strategy of not giving a fuck.

In the war news category, Sugar's parents have somehow brought her back to life in order to restore faith in their land once more, and to take down Ella.

With the proper tools at hand, Ella is ready for Sugar to strike at any time, same goes to Sugar, who is ready to kill Ella at any point in time.

Shaun is now wanted for alleged kidnapping his fellow classmates during classes. He is now on the run and is still at large.

Chef, now knowing who killed real Chris, is now hunting down Topher in hopes that he will eventually be caught and executed for all the sins he has committed.

Beardo is now performing in many different countries thanks to his hit single, "Fuck My Team".

Leonard is now becoming a straight A student with nothing left to do. He did manage to get friends and win many awards for his amazing work, but no one really cares about that.

Sky and Dave are now very active pornstars, that have both carried many differents STDs on them. Sky and Dave have still refused to be any where near each other or even have sex with one another, protected or not protected. Rodney is also now arrested after being caught fucking a cat in public, his trial date is still pending.

Max is now in a mental asylum seemingly going insane after his near death experience after almost drowning.

Scarlett is also doing a great job at Celebrity Manhunt's research team, have fun now!


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